Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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