you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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