First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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