i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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