Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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