You smell like a Billy Joel song
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
