If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
