Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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