Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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