I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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