whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
