i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
So squirting runs in the family.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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