So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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