Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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