Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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