Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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