So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
