They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
