i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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