I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
