He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
