Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
