You're completely useless in the revolution.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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