Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
