So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
