So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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