Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He's a Shit stain on my heart
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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