How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
