so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
