my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
