I intend to get homeless drunk
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
