Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
