I'm sorry my penis didn't work
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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