a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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