if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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