i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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