I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
