im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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