I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
