strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
