ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
