when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
