i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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