He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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