I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
