I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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