he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
