needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
