i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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