Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
