2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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