you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
