Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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