never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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