You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
